Taken from The Big Issue

Scare At Bedtime stars Podge & Rodge, the unwholesome gruesome twosome from the team behind Zig & Zag, talk openly to Catherine Doherty about the tragedy of their father's untimely demise, DIY appendectomies and a morbid interest in Mary Black.

Podge : Hello this is Ballydung 666. You didn't reverse the charges, did you?

Me: Never. Tell me, as bachelor boys do you ever miss the love of a good woman?

Podge: Ah now, did you ever hear of, of, Catherine, did you ever hear of a singer called (pants loudly) Mary Black?

I sure have.

Podge: Do you know her at all? You wouldn't happen to know her number at all, er, where she lives at all, up in Dublin at all? She batters my sausages. A fine woman.

Rodge: She's a great pair.....of calves on her.

Podge: You can tell a lot of a woman by her calves you know. I'm not sure what, but you can.

I'll let her know if I see her.

Rodge: Catherine, er, would you look anything like Mary Black?

I've been mistaken for her once or twice.

Rodge: Oh my God, oh Jesus Christ.

And you have my number.

Podge: There's an open invite to you down to Ballydung, it's just off the bypass, past Ballywank. Watch the third step on the way up to the door. Do you like exorcisms at all? There's one on at three o'clock. The Doolan boy, Father Flange, is doing a special. We can get you a box ticket if you want. And you can bring your own food and that, it'll be grand. Good old entertainment.

Great, I'll bring sandwiches.

Rodge: And your own cock as well. It's part of the whole build up - you have to have a good old cock fight.

How would you like to die?

Podge: Hanging's alright.

Rodge: Hanging's grand. In the old days they used to just hoist you over an ole tree and you'd be hanging there forever. How long did it take for Donny Gusset to die?

Podge: Ah well the weather was a bit off, wasn't it? Half an hour.

Rodge: We got great crack out of it, 'cos we all had our hot pokers to stick up his arse.

Podge: It was great, it made the time go quicker. We don't get out much, you know, we don't like to venture too far up to Dublin.

Rodge: There's disease and pestilence and all sorts up there.

Podge: Dublin's where the ponces live, with the old Celtic Tiger thing. We're not into wildlife down here, we'll shoot anything that moves. I'll tell you, we were on to those Dublin ponces up in RTE, they're awful gullible, we said "look, how about a horror night and we'll host it. And maybe we'll have our own chat show." Apparently though, our mother and father, Mr and Mrs O'Leprosy, they left us here one day in the Ballydung Asylum - I mean the Ballydung Manor - under the care of Granny O'Leprosy.

Rodge: We're just waiting for her to die, there's rumours around the town that she's not out Granny at all but a psychiatric nurse gone mad. That's just talk though.

Podge: She has these strange slitted eyes. And the smell of piss. I think that's her bag though. Ah, she's lovely. So we're still waiting for mammy and daddy to come back, it's what? Forty years now.

But you're still hopeful?

Podge: Ah yeah, I'm sure.....well no, not really, because they're probably dead, yes, we know that they are actually dead. Our father didn't take too well to getting a pick axe in the back of the head. But there's no point sending the guards though, not at all.

Rodge: We don't want you media types coming down here and sniffing around Ballydung for bodies because you didn't them last time and you won't find them now.

Podge: That's the truth.

Rodge: And Father Flange, he'll sort yez out. He's a tough man.

Any tips for viewers who find it hard to get to sleep at night?

Podge: Don't watch the bloody thing. But no, it's really just to make you think more than frighten you.

Rodge: Ah listen, be honest with them Podge, we scare the shite out of them. And if they can't stomach it then turn over to A Prayer At Bedtime, but it's far more fun with us.

What's the last thing you do before you go to bed?

Podge: Have a w..... have a wash.

Rodge: A wash and a gargle. You now if you gargle garlic at night it keeps the vampires away.

Podge: I make sure I wipe me arse properly, sure that's about all you can do. The only time you might scrub up is if you're meeting a woman.

Rodge: They'll only be after one thing anyway. Me tractor. I'd say you'd want to come down and photograph that for the magazine.

How are you getting the money for the tractor?

Podge: There's fellas up in Dublin who do a bit of organs by mail order. We ask no questions. And what would I need with two lungs? We got Grandad O'Leprosy's ole fish-gutting knife out, and sure we whipped out Rodge's appendix there the other evening. It was grand. He's happy. How are you feeling now Rodge?

Rodge: Er, not too bad. I was just wondering what all that green stuff is, and the smell.

Podge: Catherine, Catherine, just one last thing, what height are you?

About 5ft 7.

Podge: 5ft 7? That'll be grand.

Rodge: There'll be a lovely cot .... I mean a lovely chair set for you.

Podge: Sweet dreams now.

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